My Friends

I have a lot of friends who will do whatever they can to make me smile. I have 3 amazing children who always seem to persevere. They are strong and they give me strength. I have a lot of people who truly love me and want nothing more than to see me happy. These 4 things are the reasons I am smiling at this moment.

I hope you all know how much I love you and how thankful I am that you are all in my life.


Cheers!
A

Where Should We Be?

I was going to put a new entry up but a friend had this quote up and I thought it was fitting for now so I am sharing it with you all. I think it is very true. What about you?

Cheers!
A


"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be." - Douglas Adams

Broken Dreams

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com

Paying It Forward

So my sister from DC came in last night on her way to Denver. I am really glad she was able to stop by our place. The kids were so glad to see her and she them. Of course she came bearing gifts, clothes and books. I, and I imagine she too, was surprised to see that the boys were excited about the clothes too. Usually clothes aren't too high on their lists. Of course she brought DARLING outfits. Kyla and Cameron both picked some out to wear today. Books had to be read to them before bed last night. They were all so cute around her. Kyla LOVED the big Strawberry Shortcake gift bag her stuff came in, so much so she had to take it to daycare today. Cute. As I said before, I don't usually blog about my kids here but they are on my mind...

Seeing my sister was also a very nice reprieve for me. While it was nice to be with her in DC over Thanksgiving I was also away from my life and its chaos altogether. It was nice to have her here as a distraction right in the middle of my chaos. In the last couple of days I have seen how many friends I have who are here to support me through anything I may be going through or may go through. There are so many days I feel my strength just tanking. Lately I can't even count how many times these wonderful people have picked me up. I am so thankful for them. Their kindness has also proven to me that I do, in fact, have very good judgment when it comes to picking my friends. As far as both of my sisters go, I know I didn't "pick" them but I have made very good judgment in making sure we are friends also.

I talked with my sister a lot at dinner last night. She has such a kind and giving heart. The whole time I was talking with her I kept thinking of the "pay it forward" philosophy. I think that this will be my new mantra. I have had so many help me lately how can I do anything but help others along the way?
Truly, I think every human being should think this way and even more I think that all of us have it in us to actually do it.

Cheers!
A

Josh Groban - You're Still You

No matter the situation if you stay true to yourself then you are definitely still you and the people who love you wouldn't think any less of you. YOU, your heart and soul, are the person they care about.

Change...

Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history. ~Joan Wallach Scott

Guest book

I have added a guest book to the blog so if you would like to give a friendly "hello, I was here" note please do so. We will see how this works.

Cheers!
A

Uniquely Beautiful

I had a very nice visit in DC with my family for Thanksgiving. The dinner at the Army Navy Club was fabulous to say the least. Good wine, good food, and GREAT dessert! Dressing up, which I love to do but unfortunately don't get to do enough of. The weather was great for the whole trip. I was even able to get a couple of 4-6 mile runs in. Very nice. The last run I decided to do a different route that would give me some hills for some tush work. Of course the day I did that one the wind decided to kick up so I was suckin' wind for a good part of it but I did finish it out. Good for me.

So now I am back in the midwest. I have done my 6 miles the last 2 days and am proud of myself for not slacking on that regime. As I have said in earlier posts I really do enjoy that time out, it truly helps clear the mind. Today was a bit cold but it was snowing, gently. Even though the day was gray I really enjoyed the snow and cold. I was warm enough of course with my running gear but the air was so crisp and smelled so clean. The snowflakes were soft on my face and it felt good. Every now and again I would turn my face upwards to try to catch one on my tongue as most of us do as children. You are only as old as you feel right?

So as the 2007 Thanksgiving season comes to a close officially starting the 2007 holiday season I have to wonder what is in store. This season will more than likely prove to be a bit difficult at times and certainly it will be different than in the past. I guess however it will be what it will be. And just as each snowflake is different, unique, and beautiful in its own way so will be each day of this season. I just need to make sure I embrace each day and appreciate each one for its own beauty and uniqueness. Some days I am sure will be harder than others but again, they will be what they will be.

Cheers!
A

The Corrs - Canto Allo Vita (A Duet With Josh Groban).

When all else fails, SING!

Great Falls!

Cathartic to say the least. Just what I needed. I am enjoying my time here in the DC area. Sleeping in, relaxing, went on a hike with my father, step-mother, and sister today. Great Falls is fabulous. I could have just pitched a tent on one of the rocks and stayed there. The sound of the falls while loud was very soothing. Not unlike the sound of waves coming up on the beach. I highly recommend a visit to the falls if you happen to be in the area.

The colors are absolutely fabulous also. Nothing short of amazing. Makes me hope that everyone can start thinking about our planet and how delicate it is. People, please take pride in what nature has given us.

Tomorrow we will be venturing into the city to see the cathedral and other sites. While I was just here in June I am back with a different mindset and agenda, all good I must say.

Cheers!
A

Taking Control

I am finding myself in a position where I am questioning a lot: I am questioning people's motives, questioning people's statements, questioning the future. There are a lot of unknowns and that is a very scary thing but sometimes if you face it head on the known is even more scary. When I force myself to face the known that is very scary I know I am doing the right thing, I can only get stronger from facing a scary situation head on. Running away or turning away from it is no longer an option.
While I am often scared I also know that I am getting stronger. I am regaining control. All I can say about that is it feels really good even if it is scary.


A friend of mine told me not too long ago that as scary as the situation may be and as strong as I may not feel trudging forward is the only way to go because in the end I will have gained much more than I have lost. I am beginning to see his point.

Beginning the War on Leukemia = STRENGTH

There are days when I feel like my strength to deal with whatever life is throwing at me(and there is usually something being thrown)is dwindling. Today isn't necessarily one of those days but I did have one on Sunday. I also know there will be others in the future. I have several ways I deal with the feeling of dwindling strength; think of how many people love and care for me and want only the best for me(and there are many). I think of what chaos is going on in our world and know that while I may have a tough situation there are others who are having a tougher time. And of course I think of my warrior son Connor. He had to fight the fight for his life and he didn't even know it. The strength he showed through it all was nothing short of amazing. I decided to put in the beginning of his fight journal entry. These were the days that started 3 1/2 years of the most strength I have ever seen in a human being. My hope is that maybe knowing how one 2 year old can fight the fight for his life will help one of you fight whatever fight you may have going on in your life. I copied this from Connor's Caringbridge journal. I posted it in 2005 but the events actually took place March 7-10, 2002.
***********************************

Three years ago yesterday Connor was running a low grade fever. It wasn't even high enough to keep him out of daycare. I wasn't alarmed nor was Rex. He had been battling RSV and asthma since January. The temp wasn't very high and it kept going away on its own. We went about our usual routine deciding that IF the temp got to 101 we would take him to the doctor. We put him to bed that night as usual. Read him a story, kissed and hugged him, covered him up, said good night-we loved him, and shut the door.

The next day I got a call from the daycare provider that his temp was up to 101. I went to get him and made an appointment for him for the next day, as per the decision from the day before. I took him home and noticed that he really was A LOT sicker than he had been the day before. Still, we weren't too alarmed. RSV probably again, maybe pneumonia. We had been down this same path many times, we knew the drill.
So, Friday came and I took him to the doctor. We were sent home with an antibiotic and a recheck appt for the following week. Saturday I took him back to the doctor to get a cough medicine so he could sleep through the night.

Saturday night I put him to bed thinking how thankful I was that it was March and warmer weather would be coming so we can get passed all of the upper respiratory issues he has in the winter. I was completely unaware that my life was less than 24 hours away from being forever changed. My life of being blissfully ignorant about sick kids was about to come to a screeching halt.

Sunday, March 10 I walked from the University Hospitals and Clinics parking garage into the hospital. Little did I know that I would never again walk outside with the words childhood cancer having nothing to do with me. My son was about to become 1 in 330 for the year 2002.

Be Careful...

"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ~Author Unknown

Giving Thanks

It is a beautiful day outside. A little chilly but not like it has been the last couple of days. The sun is shining brightly. One of those days I like to stand in the sun, shut my eyes and turn my face up to the sun and feel its warmth. Today is a good day to smile.

I know that there are some people out there who sometimes have a hard time finding reasons to be thankful. I admit that on some days I am one of them. Today however I know I have many reasons to be thankful. Here are just a few:

I have 3 beautiful children
My 3 beautiful children are, for the most part, healthy
I am the mother of a cancer SURVIVOR!!
I am the daughter of a cancer SURVIVOR!
I get to teach 7 & 8 year olds.
I have many, many, friends
I have many, many people who love me.

These are just a few reasons I am Giving Thanks today. If you get a moment I would love to hear why you are thankful.

Cheers!
A

From the Corner of State and Sick Kids

State: Congratulations to the Keokuk Chiefs football team on their victory last night over Central DeWitt. This victory sends them off to the UNI Unidome next Monday night for their first game in the Iowa state football tournament. Very exciting especially since we will have a late start the next day due to the distance needed to travel and the lateness of the start time. GO CHIEFS!!! You make us proud.

On the Sick Kids side of the street we have Cameron, aka Cassanova, who hasn't sounded like himself since starting Kindergarten. He rallied there for awhile but now sounds as if his voice is failing him once again. One of two theories could be at play here. 1) His poor sinuses just can't keep up with the changing climate and never ending growth of molds and such here in this not so quaint river town or
2) He can't keep his little mouth closed in class and must be talking all of the time.
Had I not just been to his conference with his teacher I would normally say number 2 definitely however we did get a very good report from Mrs. Quinlan. Along with the fact that he constantly sounds like he has cotton stuffed up his nose we must go with number 1 to be fair to him.
Then there is Kyla. She seems to be dealing with yet another sinus infection. She sounds terrible and her voice is hoarse. She is coughing and running a low grade temp. Poor baby but still laughing and winning hearts where ever she goes.
Connor ended up at the doctor's office last Saturday for the first time in a long time(knock wood) and on an antibiotic. He is doing much better and has yet to miss any school.
So there you go. We had Parent Teacher conferences last week which made for a very busy week for me, plus the sick kiddos, plus the fact that I really haven't been "inspired" to write too much. Writer's block? Not really a writer but I guess maybe.
I don't usually blog about my kiddos here but they are on my mind so....

I was going to go to Italy but the trip had to be cancelled at the last minute(bummer) but I did receive my updated passport in the mail the other day so at least now when I feel the urge to jump this ship for sunnier shores I will be able to go. Until then I will head on over the DC way and do some "girly" things with my sister. Will the federal government ever be the same? Doubtful!

CIAO!!!!

My Heart...

...will mend.

Adversity - A Blessing?

I am finding that the adversity I have had in my life, both present and past, have brought with them great things. Friendships made stronger, friendships I never knew I had, and brand new friendships that will forever be treasured. A new sense of strength in my self, a renewed belief in the ability of humans to reach out to others.
As much as I really haven't enjoyed the troubles and tribulations of my life, maybe they weren't all bad. Maybe they were even blessings in disguise.

Ordinary Miracle

Today I went for a walk and the day was beautiful. The sky was so blue, not a cloud to be seen. The trees were all shades of red, orange, and yellow. A day to smile even when you don't feel like smiling.

Rainy Days and Mondays...

Okay, so they don't always get me down and today isn't a Monday but....
It is rainy and I may be a bit down but I was released from the PT and told I could start to walk, leisurely and for only 30 minutes or so. So today I did, I went for a walk in the rain, and it was nice. The colors were vivid, the scent was a fresh fall evening scent(not sure how to describe that, sorry), and it was quiet.

I'm still bummed about not going to Italy, truly bummed, but I will survive and perhaps I will get there one day. But, I did get to walk and that feels good so for now I will choose to smile.

A

Missed Opportunities and Compromise

A fabulous opportunity presented itself to me(thanks Sara, I love ya'). An opportunity I may not have again for a very long time, if ever. It was actually going to happen and I was EXCITED!! However I learned that it wasn't going to be able to happen without some compromises of feelings.
One thing I have learned during this time of "self re-discovery" is that it just isn't fair for people, me or anyone else, to compromise what they know is right and /or what they feel or don't feel.

So, while I feel truly physically ill to my stomach because I won't be taking advantage of this opportunity I know it's the right thing.

A

My heart....

... is broken into a million tiny pieces.

Okay, here's the thing...

I have had several times in my life when things have gotten difficult and unpleasant. The kinds of times when someone finds out who their friends are, or aren't, who really means the kind words they say and who is just blowing smoke up your you-know-what.
Losing the pregnancy in 2001, losing my brother in 2002, and of course more than any other time Connor's diagnosis in 2002(this was a HUGE one because you know, kids, especially toddlers, don't get sick with life threatening illnesses) have been the biggies for me. In no way do I feel ill will towards those who couldn't deal with what I/we were going through. While I would like to believe that I am one that would be able to help someone else through an awful time I can't say what I would actually do if push came to shove. However what does get to me, even hurts me(though I can't stand to admit that I can "allow" anyone to hurt me)is when those who you thought REALLY meant the things they said turn out to be the ones seeming to blow smoke. I hate to feel duped and hate even more to admit that I have been duped.

Why do I bring this up? Well I find myself once again in a situation where life is getting pretty ugly, unpleasant, and difficult. I am once again finding out that I may have been duped by some(ouch)(sigh). On the flip side though I have found out that I do have some friends that I knew I had but may actually be friends of a higher level than I had realized or known.

So to those who may have been/may be blowing smoke- this makes me very sad and I truly hope I am wrong because to me having people you know you can lean on or will listen to you and vice versa can be, and is so, fulfilling. One can never have too many friends.

And to those who have been so wonderful, and you know who you are, I thank you and hold you close. Knowing you are around helps more than you probably know.

Now something else. Has anyone heard of the "ignore it and it will go away" way to deal with things? I know some who seem to be trying it in different aspects of their lives right now and I have to wonder if this might work for me right now? Ignore my injury issue and it will go away? Ignore the whining in my house and it will go away? Ignore the "black box"(teachers, you know what I mean) and it will go away?
Maybe I should give it a try, seems that it will be working for some people, why not me?

Sorry for the so blatantly depressing nature of this day's blog but this seems to be where my stream on consciousness is at the moment. I know it won't last but we all need to vent sometimes. Feels better to get it off of our chests.

A

Stormy Seas

"I am not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to steer my ship".

Louisa May Alcott

Rehabbing

So the scoop is I have strained the part of the leg where the calf muscle and the heel tendons join together. This means that every time I walk I restrain it. I went to the physical therapist on Friday for a session of ultrasound and a few little exercises. I go back on Monday for another session and then probably one or two more. Julie, the pt, is hopeful that by the end of next week I should be able to start walking on it a little bit. Not 6 miles worth and certainly not running on it but it's a start. In the mean time I have to keep it wrapped during the day for a little added pressure and support and of course ice it at night. I am very bummed about all of it and miss my time outside by myself. Especially now that the weather is so exercise friendly.
Not much to say today. Just not feeling all that perky.

I do have a request though. I have a friend who, for all practical purposes, my sister and I grew up with, is very sick. He is in the hospital in St. Louis and no one knows what is going to happen, all we know is that he is very sick, he has an infection in his heart. His mother, my mother's best friend, flew home from her cruise through the Panama Canal. This cruise wasn't supposed to end for another 10 days or so. This tells me that things are very serious. We are all very worried about him. I ask that whatever your beliefs are, whether you pray, meditate, light candles, whatever, just send some positive vibes for healing toward the St. Louis way.
Thanks.
A

Sidelined

Just when I am getting back into the groove of my 6 miles and my swimming wouldn't you know I would get an injury. Sidelined by an injured Achilles. Very painful. Not sure what I did to it or what to do about it but I am very bummed. Sigh.

HOT HOT HOT

Okay, I love summer: 3 months off of work, time to spend with my kiddos, being able to turn my face up to the sun and enjoy its warmth, swimming(I just love being in the water, especially if it is the really blue kind with lots of multicolored fish swimming around). What's not to love? However I ADORE the fall. The trees are absolutely beautiful, especially when looking across the Mighty Mississippi to Illinois and seeing all of the trees from this side, gorgeous. Not as gorgeous as say Colorado or all of New England but for the midwest it is lovely. I really enjoy the mild temperatures of the fall, "football weather" if you will. So when it is an October day and I am out mowing the lawn and I am about to pass out from heat exhaustion that is just WRONG! This past Saturday it was 90 degrees and HUMID!! CRAZY! This is the time I like to take the kids to the pumpkin patch and enjoy the corn mazes, picking pumpkins, and enjoying a sunshiny fall day, you get great pictures on days like these. But I won't be doing that when I have to worry about keeping them hydrated. Today seemed to be a turning point though and maybe fall is making its official entrance into the midwest. I hope so. I went on my six mile workout on Sunday and just like the mowing from Saturday it was difficult. The good news is that I was able to finish both the mowing and six miles.

Speaking of my workouts. I have now started the swimming part of my triathlon training. I still have to see a physical therapist about my neck issue but for now I am just "listening to my body" so to speak and if it hurts I will back off. I did find from my last swim that I think the breast stroke is the possible culprit not the freestyle- good to know.

So, there you have it, today's stream of consciousness writing. I have other things on my mind but until it gets worked out no need to post here.

Cheers!
A


OH, one more thing: GO RED SOX!!!!

20 Years Later

The reunion was fun. It was very nice to see everyone. There were some that weren't there that would have been very nice to see but the ones that were there it was certainly great to see them. TINAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Scott P. Rodney and his wife Christina, Kim, Shelly, Greg, Shane, Chris(some people just don't change) and many others. I heard some small world stories, some surprising news about former classmates, and had some good laughs. MHS won their football game and the marching band looked good too. We had fun at the Pub on Friday night and at Tom's after the reunion on Saturday. A successful weekend and Shelly and Tom should be happy with their work. I was nervous, very nervous. More on Friday night than on Saturday night but it all worked out in the end. Glad I went.

I did get to have lunch with Mike and Kathy Gentry. Grandparents to brave childhood cancer angel, Nathan. Kathy is a childhood friend of my mother's and it was great to finally meet them in person. They are great people and I hope they know that not a day goes by that I don't think of them and Luke and Susan. I wish there were more I could do to ease their pain. They are in my heart though, most definitely.

Amy

Michael Buble - Feeling Good

Not how I am currently feeling however if I were still skating this would surely be my next program.

I must also mention that not only is MB's voice easy to listen to but he is just too adorable.

Traveling

"We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend."

Robert Louis Stevenson

Happiness

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

Mahatma Gandhi

Keep On Running

So now I am averaging 30 miles a week on my runs. I LOVE IT!!! My favorite 1 hour and 40 minutes of the day. My best friend, iPod, and I have this perfect relationship. I listen to what I tell it I want to listen to, nothing more, nothing less. This is so nice since I get an earful of CRAP most of the time. My head is so clear by the time I get back home. So far this time has truly helped me "stick to my guns", stay strong and really say what I want and not back down. Until this 1 hour and 40 minutes doesn't do this for me I will keep on running.

One thing I have learned though- while the hills are REALLY good for my tush I really don't enjoy them very much.

What a Difference...

...Twenty years can make.

Man! I don't even know what to say.

I am still learning how to do the pics and REALLY get them to fit. Please be patient.

See why I am nervous about the reunion?

Amy

Comments

I believe that I have reset the comments so that anyone can comment. I don't think you have to be a registered user anymore. If you try to comment and it doesn't work please email me and I will see what I can do.

New post coming soon but for now:

I am still nervous about my reunion.

My situation still sucks.

Nerves

20 YEARS!! Can you believe this? I have been out of high school for 20 years! This to me is nothing short of NUTS!! I certainly don't feel that old. Gut Punched by reality, yet again. So, my reunion on the 28th and 29th of this month. Looking forward to it although I am very nervous about it. I told my friend Shelly when she asked why I was nervous that I feel like I did when I moved into Monticello High School in our Junior year. I didn't start the year with them all and I definitely felt awkward. She has reassured me that I adjusted well so I shouldn't be nervous. She is very sweet. Going by myself and I'm not sure if this makes me more or less nervous? I decided that I didn't want to look "motherly" or "teacherly" so indulged my new found sense of self and bought a new outfit. I have to admit that it is an outfit not typical of me but I think I will enjoy wearing it.

So Monticello High School, Monticello, Illinois get ready! The graduating class of 1987 is coming back.

Amy

Gliding

Okay so I have the afternoon off from work because the boys have dental appts at 2 and 3. The school can't give me a 1/4 day off so I am off at 11:30. Wow, some free time. What should I do? Lately idle time for me is not necessarily a good thing. My mind is so full of the junk of my situation that I prefer to be REALLY busy. Maybe I will go shopping to find something for my reunion. Maybe.

Anyway the other day I was on one of my run/walks that I use to clear my head. It was an amazing day outside. The sky looked incredibly huge, it was very blue and the clouds were beautifully wispy. Because the sky was so gorgeous I looked up into it a lot of the time(probably not the safest way to do a run/walk but definitely a pretty way to do it) and I happened to see a large bird flying around. I don't believe it was any fabulous type of bird like a hawk or an eagle, I believe it was just a large black bird but it was far enough up I couldn't tell. Well this bird at one point stopped flapping its wings and just started gliding through the air. I thought that was very cool and how neat would it be to be able to just "glide" like that. I kept watching this bird thinking it would at some point start flying again but it kept gliding and gliding and gliding. It was awesome. I was very jealous of that bird. I mean it has to get tiring to continually have to flap your wings to stay aloft but to know that there is enough wind current that you can take such an extended rest and just be "carried" for awhile, how nice would that be? Then I wondered what it sounded like to to the bird up there just gliding. Being a competitive swimmer for so many years I became aware of the wonderful peaceful feeling it is to just go under water and stay there for a bit; not stroking, not kicking, just to be under the water. It is a great feeling. Weightless, quiet, and so very peaceful, I wonder if it is like that for the birds up that high in the sky when they are just gliding? I think it would be very cool to be able to find out but of course until I sprout wings that isn't going to happen. My guess is it is very much the same. If only there were some way us humans could experience those feelings on a regular basis. If anyone knows of a way to do it let me know, I'm in. Of course it must be a way that is free from chemicals, not into the drug induced escapes thank you.

Need to remember that...

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies with in us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Childhood Cancer Awareness

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

What a Voice

Farewell to Luciano Pavarotti. How terribly sad. The world has lost one of its sweetest sounds.

So,Just Me

I had said that I was going to blog about our life after leukemia and I still am, on the Muston Life After Leukemia spot. But I had gotten some comments that maybe it wasn't turning out to be that. I felt I had more to say so I will keep the life after leukemia blog and devote it to my kids. This is where you can come to see what I am thinking about. Sometimes it may be thoughtful and sometimes maybe not so much. Just remember that it is just me thinking. Lately there seems to be a lot that I am thinking about.

Thanks.

Amy