Glass Houses

Those who live in them...
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I am happily getting on with my life. Of course getting into the groove of things and finding our own pace takes time but we are getting there. My grad class is almost over and it has been GREAT!!! I am looking forward to the one I take next semester, it is an assessment class.

The kids are doing well. Slowly getting Connor worked into school and helping him become more and more successful. Cameron is quite the reader and Kyla, well she pretty much does it all, or thinks she can anyway.

Connor goes for his 6 month check in about a month. Somehow that is never far from my mind no matter how far away the appt. may be. I wonder if that will ever change?

So, we are doing great. Getting our new kitchen floor laid today!

As for the opening of this post. You know who you are... why don't you leave me alone and find something to do with your own life that doesn't involve judging others or being mean. Seriously, some people have way too much time on their hands.

Cheers Everyone!
A

Sometimes

Sometimes things just feel so good and so right. When that happens I think you should just relax(or try) and just go with it.

Cheers!!
A

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

Just a friendly reminder that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. If you would please venture back to my Sept. 9 '07 entry and view the video. The pictures are telling and the statistics staggering. Also a note about the 2 kiddos on the beginning shot, Ashley and Ryan. They are siblings who fought the battle against Leukemia. Sadly Ashley lost her fight. Just one more reminder that we need more awareness and funding for these brave little warriors.

Thanks from a very grateful and thankful cancer mom.

Amy
mother to Connor- 9 year old leukemia survivor- 3 years and 2 months off of chemotherapy

Moving On

Well first thing's first. CONNOR'S CANCER CHECK UP WAS ALL CLEAR!!!!!!! I can't tell you what a relief that was. He goes back December 31 for his next 6 month check. We did get some sad news however at his check up. Dr. DiPaola, Connor's beloved oncologist, is moving to Denver, CO. Connor has very serious trust issues and I don't know how this is going to work for him but hopefully he will take to his new oncologist. Dr. DiPaola is an amazing dr. and Denver is very lucky to be getting him. How many doctors would actually drive 100 miles, on his own birthday with his entire family of 6, to celebrate one of many patients' coming off of treatment? He did that. And they even stayed well into the evening and talked with all of us after the rest of the guests had left. Dr. DiPaola, you will truly be missed. Thank you for saving my son's life.

Now more big news. My divorce is finally over and done with. The judge signed on July 29 while I was with the kiddos in the Ozarks. I can't even tell you what a relief it is to have that over, especially before school starts. The house is starting to become mine and the kids' and it is looking very nice. My first two plans are to get the invisible fence put in for Guinness and to get my upstairs floors done. Those two things should be happening in the next few weeks. None of that would happen though without the help of Terry. At this point I really don't know what I would do without him. Right when Rex moved out we noticed that my water heater was leaking and the water was spilling into the family room underneath the carpet. Terry pulled off the trim and pulled up the carpet and helped me dry it out. Then he talked with the plumber and was able to help me get a great deal on a new heater and installation. I probably saved close to $200 because of him. Thanks Baby!!!
The boys are having so much fun with him too. Connor is becoming a more confident kiddo especially. He is now begging to go outside so he can play, get this, FOOTBALL!! Terry is teaching him how to throw and kick the football. The first time Connor picked up the ball we couldn't believe how well he threw it. Then he asked Terry to show him how and it has been all about going outside ever since. Very nice to see. Not once has he been scared of bees, wasps, storms or anything while we have been out.

Cameron is soooooo ready to be in school. That child plays harder than anyone I have ever seen. He comes in at night as filthy as anyone could possibly be. I LOVE it. He loves playing with the other kids and they all adore him. He is an amazingly well adjusted child considering all he has had to deal with.

Kyla is as bossy as ever. Hard to believe she is going to be three next month. She is sooooo independent and talks nonstop from the time she gets up to the time she goes to bed. She is so cute and so fun. Not sure how we did without her for so long. She also idolizes Cameron. I am not so sure that is a good thing though.

So as you can see things are moving along pretty well. Things are tight and sometimes stressful but I know it will get better and we will be okay. I start my masters program in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to getting back to school. My first class will meet on Saturdays so that is nice.

Love to all.
Cheers!
Amy

A Long Time Coming

Sorry for the delay in getting a post on. I truly have been meaning to but the chaos of the end of the school year coupled with the divorce, which is almost over, just waiting on final okay from the other camp on the settlement, I just haven't had much time.

However today I find the need to post. Connor's 6 month visit is coming up on the 9th and as always I am getting very nervous about it. I know in my head it will be fine but in my heart the wound is still very fresh from first being told back in 2002. The 24th of this month will be 3 years off of treatment. Two years away from being considered "cured but..." There is always a but isn't there?

Anyway I just thought that no matter what happens on the 9th I would let you all know something I have learned first hand:

"What cancer cannot Do"

Cancer is so limited;

It cannot cripple love,

It cannot shatter hope,

It cannnot corrode faith,

It cannot destroy peace,

It cannot suppress memories,

It cannot silence courage,

It cannot invade the soul,

It cannot steal eternal life,

It cannot conquer the spirit



Never....ever.....




Wish us luck and prayers, especially Connor please.

Cheers!
Amy

Smiling

"I will smile again because I deserve to."

Leona Lewis

Cathartic Wallpaper Stripping

I hate wallpaper. I never really thought about it until a year or two after moving into my current home. The family who lived in the house before us were BIG wallpaper people. The 2 kids' rooms and their bathroom have/had 3 types of wallpaper on all walls. A top design, a bottom design, and a chair rail. Then there are 2 types in my room as well as the master bathroom, and 2 types in the kitchen. UGGGHHHH!!!! The former family had 2 girls so of course it was also cute girlie paper. Fine for Kyla and fine for the boys while we were going through the turmoil of Connor's chemotherapy for 40 months. Also because both boys were so little they really didn't care either way. BUT this past summer since Connor was now 8 and was going to go into 3rd grade it was decided the tea party paper HAD to come down. So I spent 3 days getting it ALL down, glue and all. I LOVED IT!!!! By that time I had so much pent up frustration that it was so entirely cathartic. I was almost sad when I was done. We had a busy summer so I stopped after that.

NOW here I am with still a lot of pent up frustration, anger at times, loneliness and sadness at time, and a huge need to keep my mind occupied. So, the other night I was standing in the kids' bathroom staring absentmindedly at the wall by the toilet where the boys had picked at the wallpaper while doing their business. I found myself walking towards the wall and I just RIPPED! Before I knew it I had a quarter of the wall done, glue and all. I had to stop because I didn't realize what time it was and I needed to go to bed. What I DID realize, however, was how for however long it took me to do that quarter of a wall I thought of NOTHING. I went to bed and couldn't wait to get home the next evening so I could do more.

So now, my bathroom is just about completely done and the kids' bathroom has 2 walls left. Good thing I have my bedroom and the kitchen left. What will I do after that? Anyone need some wallpaper taken down?

So life is moving along here in Iowa. Ups and downs as are usually expected. Lonely days and some not so lonely days. Spring weather will make things much easier though. I am still very thankful for all that I have, all the wonderful people in my life, and that I can still wake up every day and find at least 3 reasons to smile.
In the words of Gloria Gaynor(I believe it was her right?) "I will survive".

Cheers!!!
Amy

6 Years Ago Today

Six years ago today I became the member of a club I never expected to join nor ever wanted to. I was inducted into the "Mother of a Child with Cancer" Club. No one asked me if I wanted to join it was just one minute I wasn't in and the next minute I was. And here I will stay forever.

Six years ago today Connor, at the age of 33 months, was flown up to Children's Hospital of Iowa and diagnosed with Leukemia. I can still remember the sounds of the monitors he was hooked up to making sure that all of his organs weren't shutting down, that he was getting enough oxygen, etc... I remember the smell of that room, that floor(The 3 JCW Hilton as we started calling it). I remember where everyone was sitting and/or standing when we were told, I remember the way Dr. DiPaola's lanyard was hanging around his neck. Most of all I remember the cold chill that went down my spine as soon as he told us, it was immediate. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move but most of all I couldn't believe that my son had cancer. I just knew he was going to die. Of course over the next week we were in daily conferences for hours on end learning EVERYTHING we had to know to take care of a child who would probably survive the cancer but if he got a sore on his bottom or chicken pox he could very well die from that.

Now, 6 years later Connor is alive. He beat that monster after 40 long months of treatment. I still can't stand seeing bruises on his tall skinny body, panic at every bloody nose, and want to rush him to the blood lab whenever he says he is tired with a headache(I haven't yet though). He woke up this morning with a massive bloody nose at 4:30- not the way I would have liked to start this particular day but I guess it is just another test.

Today I am very grateful that my son is alive. I am hopeful for his future, and I treasure every time I hear him take a breath, tell me he loves me, hugs his brother and sister, and shows me yet another lego ship he has made. He's here with me today and that is a reason to celebrate. I will always fear what could happen, I don't have control over that and not having control is NOT an easy thing for me but the future will be what it will be.
Hug your children today and if you aren't in my club I am both jealous of you and so very happy for you. If you are in my club you know exactly how I feel today. For those of you who will become members I am very sorry but know you aren't alone.

Amy

Have You Ever...

...wished you were a cat?

Happiness

"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

Allan K. Chalmers

White Outs, Chaos, and Moments of Clarity

I had an appointment in Iowa City today. There was another winter storm here in Iowa yesterday and while we were supposed to get a lot of snow here, as always up north expected much more. Well we got next to nothing but up the Iowa City way they got A LOT!!! I thought things would be okay today for driving but I was wrong. When I got about 13 miles away there was about an inch thick layer of ice covering the entire highway. I slowed down to about 20 miles an hour. The roads in town weren't much better. At any rate I got to my appointment safely. I was ready for the chaos.

Meeting with an attorney is not an easy thing. Lots of numbers, lots of information to think about, mull over, contemplate, discuss, and then there are usually more numbers. Such was the case today. My head was full of information that just always seems all jumbled up. The appointment lasted about an hour and a half or so and while I was nice and cozy warm inside the firm's conference room I welcomed the very cool(okay, COLD) air outside. Something about brisk winds to help clear the head a bit.

After the meeting I went out to the mall to purchase some much needed jeans for my quite tall and very skinny 8 year old and to grab some lunch. I wasn't much in the mood for shopping but I really wasn't in the mood for the roads I thought I might encounter. Finally though I couldn't put it off any longer(I found the jeans I wanted very quickly- thanks Old Navy) and I left. Thinking that as long as I go slow like I did earlier all I had to do was make it to Riverside and I would be free to listen to my iPod as loudly as I want to. Well, I was wrong. The chaos was to continue further than Riverside.

Apparently the winds kicked up while I was muddling through the chaos. So, I was met with not only ice but lots of white outs. I was white knuckling it more than half way home. While I was driving within the white outs I realized that I felt very much like I did in my attorney's office. Very confused, jumbled up, disoriented, and exhausted. Then I would all of a sudden drive out of the blowing snow and I would be in the most bright and beautiful, sunny, clear, air I have seen in a long time and I felt much better, my mind seemed clearer. I would let out a sigh and relax and just hope that I had gotten far enough south that I was done with the unpleasantness of the white out driving only to be disappointed and have to go through the stress all over again.

Eventually I made it home, obviously, back to the ones I adore and those who keep me calm and centered(most of the time). I made it through the white outs, through the chaos and back to where I belong. I guess this was a day meant for me to remember that no matter what is going on or how hard it seems the journey to get to where I am going is going to be, I need to keep trudging forward, towards the chaos and right through it. When I come out of it I will eventually have the most beautiful moments of clarity that will make it all worth it in the end.


Cheers!
Amy

Finally, A New Year's Resolution

Getting divorced. I apologize for the lack of entries but the chaos of my life has kind of overwhelmed me for the last couple of months. That plus my kiddos tend to get sick a lot in the Dec, Jan, and Feb time of year. Kyla has been in the hospital every Feb of her life, will this year be her year? We shall see.

So the chaos. Things aren't all that pleasant and the kids are confused although I think they are getting used to the decline in arguing and fighting. It will take time but one thing I know is that I have very strong children and they will get through this. I love them and their father loves them and as long as they know that that won't change...

I turned 39 in January. Wow, less than 1 year from 40. Honestly I am looking forward to my forties. My thirties were difficult. It was a very long decade.

One thing I am learning from this divorce is that I may not be as trusting a person as I had originally thought I was. When Connor got sick I swore that I would NEVER be taken by surprise again; I would never have the rug pulled out from underneath me again. I will always be on my guard. I think that I must have unconsciously decided that would be me for all facets of my life and not just the medical lives of my children.

So, finally, one month and 7 days later I now have a New Year's Resolution- Relax more, trust more, and be happy. This would be a nice resolution to keep wouldn't it?
I hope I can do it.

Amy

Sarah McLachlan - Answer (Afterglow Live)

To my 3 beautiful children. I know there is chaos in your lives and I know you don't understand it. I promise you that you are loved by so many, especially your mommy and daddy. The dust will settle eventually and things will be alright. I promise.
I love you very much.
Mommy

Check Up Nerves

I am taking Connor up to Iowa City for his 2 year 6 month post chemo check up. Always makes me nervous until labs come back. Please keep us in your thoughts. Especially him.

Saw This, Liked It, Wanted To Post It

Thanks Skip!



JUST MAYBE.........

Maybe we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures, and heartaches.

Maybe you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child, your girlfriend/boyfriend -- -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.

Maybe you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling, but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Maybe you could repost this message for those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship

Coming Soon

I promise that a new post will be coming soon. There is a lot going on in my life right now that needs to get worked out and finished up. Until I can get back, which will hopefully be in the next few days, I will leave you with a quote that kind of sums up the moment here in this part of the world.


"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Ivy Baker Priest